Next month, I get married to Brett. We've been together for over a year now, and it still seems unreal. I'm glad.
Mattie calls Brett dad now, and he loves her as if she's his own child.
I'm struggling with bad fatigue and pain today. I can't keep my mind going on what it was I was going to do, or even stay on thought for long.
I hope I can figure out what it was I was planning on getting done today and have the energy to get it done.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Huh....
I noticed something about myself today. I am completely incapable of having one hand wet, and the other not. I was putting a load into the washer, and rinsing out the soap's cap, one hand getting wet. I immediately rinsed my other hand.
I'm always doing that. If one hand gets wet for one reason or other, I need the other one wet. I've been doing that since I was a kid. Perhaps it's because I like jumping in with both feet in almost everything I do. Thankfully, I have begun thinking before leaping. I'm making better decisions, and get more positive things going. Feeling pretty proud of myself.
Right now, my focus is getting a job. Yes, in this economy, it will be no small feat. Hoping that I won't end up having to get a restaurant job. It's not one of my favorite jobs, but if that's what it takes, I'll do it. Thankfully, I'm not just chasing getting a job. I'm looking into going back to school to study radiology.
I'm also learning how to ask for help. I used to avoid that, even if it meant my own detriment. I've finally learned that it's ok to ask, and have also learned that no one would judge me for asking. You can't get things done by not asking.
I'm always doing that. If one hand gets wet for one reason or other, I need the other one wet. I've been doing that since I was a kid. Perhaps it's because I like jumping in with both feet in almost everything I do. Thankfully, I have begun thinking before leaping. I'm making better decisions, and get more positive things going. Feeling pretty proud of myself.
Right now, my focus is getting a job. Yes, in this economy, it will be no small feat. Hoping that I won't end up having to get a restaurant job. It's not one of my favorite jobs, but if that's what it takes, I'll do it. Thankfully, I'm not just chasing getting a job. I'm looking into going back to school to study radiology.
I'm also learning how to ask for help. I used to avoid that, even if it meant my own detriment. I've finally learned that it's ok to ask, and have also learned that no one would judge me for asking. You can't get things done by not asking.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
New Year, Finding Old Friends
I would like to state that this year has been beautiful. I have been finding, or being found by, friends I have not seen or heard from in years. Rekindling lost friendships can feel more rewarding at times than forging new friendships. Catching up over missed time, reminising, and laughing together.
I am so happy to be back in this blog, it feels as home, and even more thankful to be rekindling with you, my dear ones here! I am a slow blogger, as I was even then. I'm never certain if I have anything worth putting out there. The writing topics and styles you show are so breath-taking to me, that I at times feel at loss of my own words and thoughts. It is a gift, a treasure to be cherished!
It still amazes me so to see that friendships that were long missing feel as though the time never passed away, the years gone never were. I have found that there are even friends who have moved closer to me, that I hope I may get to see again soon. Does it amaze you as well, when you find past dear friends?
These are the thoughts that dance in my head this year.
I am so happy to be back in this blog, it feels as home, and even more thankful to be rekindling with you, my dear ones here! I am a slow blogger, as I was even then. I'm never certain if I have anything worth putting out there. The writing topics and styles you show are so breath-taking to me, that I at times feel at loss of my own words and thoughts. It is a gift, a treasure to be cherished!
It still amazes me so to see that friendships that were long missing feel as though the time never passed away, the years gone never were. I have found that there are even friends who have moved closer to me, that I hope I may get to see again soon. Does it amaze you as well, when you find past dear friends?
These are the thoughts that dance in my head this year.
Returning
Ah, after all tis time, I have returned. So much has changed, that's for certain.
We have a new president, hopefully he will prove himself to be worthy of the vote. (especially since I voted for him) Since the last president left a horrible mess...which unless you've been living under a rock, you'd know what that mess has been. But, just in case: War under false pretenses, lost rights for citizens, a trashed economy due to relaxing regulations allowing greed to take over and ruin the lives of the working force. The environment has been severely (and perhaps irrevocably) ruined. It will be a huge undertaking. We as citizens need to get off our complacent butts and get involved, including writing to our political leaders (who are supposed to be working for us, not the other way around) and make some noise, for pete's sake! We complain, but never work together for change.
I have graduated from DBT for BPD...YAY! It doesn't mean that I have been cured. Not by a long shot. What is does mean is that I now have the tools and skills to deal with life, without the self-destructive behaviors, or alienating the loved ones around me. I'm happily able to keep my emotions in better check as well.
As I was writing this, I saw a news article about a TRUE hero, one from WWII that had died of cancer at the age of 86. He was known as "Shifty"...yes the very one they used for the series "Band of Brothers". He deserved more of a farewell than Michael Jackson had, yet, he slipped by almost unnoticed. Where have our priorities gone? Isn't it sad that we place celebrities above the true heroes? Amazing, isn't it?
My daughter is growing so well! Learning to write, and so much! She loved her first year of preschool, and is excited to start her second. I'm excited for her. I'm also hoping to start college in the upcoming winter semester. My desired course of study? Radiology. I'm hoping that after some years of radiology, I can eventually move on to nuclear medicine. I haven't been in school since......well, a long while. I'll have to defeat my self-doubt and realize I CAN do this.
I have a friend that I am hoping to form a support group for people with BPD. It takes a while to form a group. We aren't going to give up though. He and I are two of the few who stick to the program successfully. We are hoping to show others that they can make it as well.
As I normally do, I am rambling, and yes, I am back to my old habits of random posts, and meandering writing styles. I am, however, going to perhaps begin posting poetry and stories. (those are when I truly show my true writing talent, where I don't meander.
Good to be back, and I hope I can reconnect with some old friends I used to see on here.
We have a new president, hopefully he will prove himself to be worthy of the vote. (especially since I voted for him) Since the last president left a horrible mess...which unless you've been living under a rock, you'd know what that mess has been. But, just in case: War under false pretenses, lost rights for citizens, a trashed economy due to relaxing regulations allowing greed to take over and ruin the lives of the working force. The environment has been severely (and perhaps irrevocably) ruined. It will be a huge undertaking. We as citizens need to get off our complacent butts and get involved, including writing to our political leaders (who are supposed to be working for us, not the other way around) and make some noise, for pete's sake! We complain, but never work together for change.
I have graduated from DBT for BPD...YAY! It doesn't mean that I have been cured. Not by a long shot. What is does mean is that I now have the tools and skills to deal with life, without the self-destructive behaviors, or alienating the loved ones around me. I'm happily able to keep my emotions in better check as well.
As I was writing this, I saw a news article about a TRUE hero, one from WWII that had died of cancer at the age of 86. He was known as "Shifty"...yes the very one they used for the series "Band of Brothers". He deserved more of a farewell than Michael Jackson had, yet, he slipped by almost unnoticed. Where have our priorities gone? Isn't it sad that we place celebrities above the true heroes? Amazing, isn't it?
My daughter is growing so well! Learning to write, and so much! She loved her first year of preschool, and is excited to start her second. I'm excited for her. I'm also hoping to start college in the upcoming winter semester. My desired course of study? Radiology. I'm hoping that after some years of radiology, I can eventually move on to nuclear medicine. I haven't been in school since......well, a long while. I'll have to defeat my self-doubt and realize I CAN do this.
I have a friend that I am hoping to form a support group for people with BPD. It takes a while to form a group. We aren't going to give up though. He and I are two of the few who stick to the program successfully. We are hoping to show others that they can make it as well.
As I normally do, I am rambling, and yes, I am back to my old habits of random posts, and meandering writing styles. I am, however, going to perhaps begin posting poetry and stories. (those are when I truly show my true writing talent, where I don't meander.
Good to be back, and I hope I can reconnect with some old friends I used to see on here.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Through the eyes of BPD
I figured that since I posted a link that was anti-BPD, I should talk about what it's like to be some one who has BPD, and has to struggle with it. BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder. There are many forms and "symptoms" of it, but in common, each BPD case is struggling with daily life, and suffering internally...trying to keep from affecting those around them, not succeeding.
A person with borderline had once written: "Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, hurt, never knowing how I'm gonna feel from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt the ones I love. Feeling misunderstood. Analyzing everything. Nothing gives pleasure. Once in a great while I will get 'too happy' and then anxious because of that. Then I self medicate with alcohol. Then I physically hurt myself. Then I feel guilty because of that. Shame. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I'f feel too much guilt for those I'd hurt, then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or O.D. to make all the feelings go away..."
Each of us with BDP have different vises. For the above one, it was alcohol, some go into drugs, some are compulsive spenders, gamblers, reckless driving, binge eating, among other things. We deal with at least two or more of these vises, and are self damaging. Thankfully, due to the Obsessive Compulsive nature I also carry, I have not gotten into the drugs or alcohol, but the ones I do deal with have affected my life, and much ot my regret, the lives of some of those around me.
Those suffeing with BPD have other mental illnesses to deal with as well. There's never just BPD, there's always accompanying problems. For me, it's Obsessive Conmpulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress, Severe Chronic Depression, Panic/anxiety Disorders, and other mood disorders.
BPDs make up 2% of the general population, 10% of all mental health outpatients, 20% of psychiatric inpatients, 75% of us are women, and 75% of us have been physically or sexually abused.
there are many aspects of BPD, and they will be discussed as I go on blogging at different times. I have noticed that there are many misconceptions of BPD sufferers out there, and if I can get out some information that may help, I hope I can do my part to bring some understanding not only to those around a BPD, but to those who may have it themselves.
As horrible as it may sound, there is hope. BPD can lessed with age. Many of us can go on to live well rounded lives, enter in loving releationships, be effective, positive members of society. There is also help. I have been getting help for the past year and a half.
I hope I can shed some light as I continue blogging the subject in later posts. If there are any questions, you can feel free to ask me anything. I will always answer the best I can. Nothing is considered too personal to answer when it comes to dealing with any mental illness, since I see any question as seeking information.
A person with borderline had once written: "Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, hurt, never knowing how I'm gonna feel from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt the ones I love. Feeling misunderstood. Analyzing everything. Nothing gives pleasure. Once in a great while I will get 'too happy' and then anxious because of that. Then I self medicate with alcohol. Then I physically hurt myself. Then I feel guilty because of that. Shame. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I'f feel too much guilt for those I'd hurt, then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or O.D. to make all the feelings go away..."
Each of us with BDP have different vises. For the above one, it was alcohol, some go into drugs, some are compulsive spenders, gamblers, reckless driving, binge eating, among other things. We deal with at least two or more of these vises, and are self damaging. Thankfully, due to the Obsessive Compulsive nature I also carry, I have not gotten into the drugs or alcohol, but the ones I do deal with have affected my life, and much ot my regret, the lives of some of those around me.
Those suffeing with BPD have other mental illnesses to deal with as well. There's never just BPD, there's always accompanying problems. For me, it's Obsessive Conmpulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress, Severe Chronic Depression, Panic/anxiety Disorders, and other mood disorders.
BPDs make up 2% of the general population, 10% of all mental health outpatients, 20% of psychiatric inpatients, 75% of us are women, and 75% of us have been physically or sexually abused.
there are many aspects of BPD, and they will be discussed as I go on blogging at different times. I have noticed that there are many misconceptions of BPD sufferers out there, and if I can get out some information that may help, I hope I can do my part to bring some understanding not only to those around a BPD, but to those who may have it themselves.
As horrible as it may sound, there is hope. BPD can lessed with age. Many of us can go on to live well rounded lives, enter in loving releationships, be effective, positive members of society. There is also help. I have been getting help for the past year and a half.
I hope I can shed some light as I continue blogging the subject in later posts. If there are any questions, you can feel free to ask me anything. I will always answer the best I can. Nothing is considered too personal to answer when it comes to dealing with any mental illness, since I see any question as seeking information.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Perspectively Speaking
They say that each person has three different personas. The one they show to people, the one the people perceive them to be, and the one they keep for themselves.
Isn't it interesting that there are different perspectives to see who it is you really are? You are a combination of each different view. How much of ourselves do we really know? We all hink that we know ourselves, but are our perceptions correct?
I have been asking myself these questions a lot lately. I never feel as though I know exactly what I seem to be. Identity crisis? Perhaps, though I am not actively seeking out who I am through trying out different personas. I've never truly formed an opinion of myself, just what I hope to be, not just perceived by others, but what I want to be as a person.
Any survey done on perspectives of one's own self, and the one that others see them in always comes up with quite interesting results. Each person, as previousl stated, has a part they show the world, and the inner them. Half the time, the difference between the inner and outer self is different only by the degree people show themselves. The other half of the time, they are quite different. If someone isn't comfortable with how they feel or think of themselves,they may decide to create a better, improved self to show.
When you go and ask those who spend time with that person, the public often hav a much different thought on how the person truly is. Many times, I wonder what I show, or seem to be showing myself as. Many people do.
I had a friend back in high school. We rode the bus together. To everyone, she was sweet, innocent, and carefree. It wasn't until a decade later, that she expressed to me the perseption she had of herself. I was shocked at how she saw herself! It was so different from what everyone else saw her as! She believed herself to be so much lower than she was! Eventhough she was well liked, and considered to be so positive and sweet, she saw herself as a castout. She confided in me that she had felt such depression, not the cheerful person we knew her to be.
I was also amazed as to how she described me to be as well. She had a higher opinion of me than I had of myself. But, would she still have that opinion of me, if she knew me today? As we all know, we are always changing.
I started thinking and wondering about such things after I was diagnosed with BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. I decided to research it, and the website I found on how we appear to otheres terrified me as to how I may be affecting those in my life, and mad me wonder what it is I may be subjecting those I love to, and if I should put myself back out into the public world and try to make friends before my "learning to deal with life" classes are over. For the curious, here is the website.
http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml
Isn't it interesting that there are different perspectives to see who it is you really are? You are a combination of each different view. How much of ourselves do we really know? We all hink that we know ourselves, but are our perceptions correct?
I have been asking myself these questions a lot lately. I never feel as though I know exactly what I seem to be. Identity crisis? Perhaps, though I am not actively seeking out who I am through trying out different personas. I've never truly formed an opinion of myself, just what I hope to be, not just perceived by others, but what I want to be as a person.
Any survey done on perspectives of one's own self, and the one that others see them in always comes up with quite interesting results. Each person, as previousl stated, has a part they show the world, and the inner them. Half the time, the difference between the inner and outer self is different only by the degree people show themselves. The other half of the time, they are quite different. If someone isn't comfortable with how they feel or think of themselves,they may decide to create a better, improved self to show.
When you go and ask those who spend time with that person, the public often hav a much different thought on how the person truly is. Many times, I wonder what I show, or seem to be showing myself as. Many people do.
I had a friend back in high school. We rode the bus together. To everyone, she was sweet, innocent, and carefree. It wasn't until a decade later, that she expressed to me the perseption she had of herself. I was shocked at how she saw herself! It was so different from what everyone else saw her as! She believed herself to be so much lower than she was! Eventhough she was well liked, and considered to be so positive and sweet, she saw herself as a castout. She confided in me that she had felt such depression, not the cheerful person we knew her to be.
I was also amazed as to how she described me to be as well. She had a higher opinion of me than I had of myself. But, would she still have that opinion of me, if she knew me today? As we all know, we are always changing.
I started thinking and wondering about such things after I was diagnosed with BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. I decided to research it, and the website I found on how we appear to otheres terrified me as to how I may be affecting those in my life, and mad me wonder what it is I may be subjecting those I love to, and if I should put myself back out into the public world and try to make friends before my "learning to deal with life" classes are over. For the curious, here is the website.
http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml
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